The longer you wait, the longer you wait.

Posted: July 8, 2013 in Uncategorized

2013 has sucked.

Seriously. Worst year for us as a married couple yet.

….and I’m not talking about our marriage, which I would consider amazing…

…compared to all my other marriages. 🙂

But just life in general. I feel like I’m in a funk. You know what I mean? I get that we are greatly blessed, I know God has plans for us and he always provides, but I just feel… mediocre. I might be a bit depressed. I haven’t done comedy for a while and if you’ve ever been applauded for anything in life by a crowd, you want MORE. It’s that comic high, it’s that adrenaline of being in front of people and using what God gave you to honor him. I miss the stage I guess. I miss the spotlight, I’m a pretty humble guy, but that one thing that I had to look forward to every weekend is gone… I left the improv group I had been in for 6 years to be a family man and I have absolutely no regrets, I just want to have my cake and eat it too I guess.

I’ve had this calling on my life for years to take a comedy tour around to churches and minister to people through that… but honestly… I haven’t done a thing productive with it.

I’m scared.

I’m afraid I’ll suck.

I’m terrified that I wont be funny… that my jokes that I thought would be hilarious, and my stories that seem funny enough, would draw…crickets… chirp….chirpppp……chirrpppp…..

A really great guy who I may have burnt a bridge with taught me something I hold dear to my heart, this, “The longer you wait, the longer you wait.” Which basically means, get off the back wall… which is an improv term, the longer you stand against the back wall, the longer you wont be in a scene, and seen.

Man, if yall knew how many people stroked that ego of mine after shows. “You’re the funniest man” “You’re hilarious…” Feels good to get compliments… you know that, I mean I’m not telling you anything new. I was getting loved and appreciated where 9 to 5 Monday through Friday I’m just a worker bee, another number… but on stage, I was somebody… I mattered.

AND I KNOW YOU’RE THINKING….

But Jon you matter to your family and to your wife and daughter and that should be enough… I know right! But why can’t I wave this spiritual yearning within my being to be in front of people and do what I love… I have heard all my life, ALL my life, “Jon, you have so much potential…” What if I’m just a dude who in the end dies, and on my grave they write, “Here lies Jon, He had so much potential… ” Like a shmuck…. Just a dead shmuck that never did anything with what God gave him…

I always say I have a passion for people, loving others, caring about them and giving a crap, ya know?

Honestly…

Sometimes… I dont care.

I don’t.

I get in this funk and I couldn’t  care less about others. Imma do me, you do you…. I hate that about me. I’m a pretty selfish guy. That’s something I need to work on, I guess it’s my sin of choice, judgmental and coveting. I wish I had more than I do, and I don’t always appreciate what I do have.

I praise Hosanna in the highest, then I say crucify Him.

Meaning, I give God the glory when things are good, then I take it back for a while, then when something bad happens or I’m going through some crappy time, I bust it back out and shout his praise and pray and act like this super awesome christian guy… when really inside, I’m just spiritually dead…

Sometimes I start out prayers with, “Hey God… I know, I know… I suck.”

I do suck. I super suck.

I tell others I’m one thing then I act completely different and do whatever I want- I feel down at work a lot too. I’m just not me… lately. Seriously its been like a 7 month funk. I was starting to pull out of it during my last month at Missouri State, but now that I have a new job, I’m this lifeless dude who interviewed awesome, then I feel like I’m not what they wanted, and I don’t do something right the first time and feel completely incompetent…. I’ve been doing this for 13 years… food service. I worked my way up from Bus boy to Director of Retail dining at a major university… But somewhere along the way, that bus boy who loved to tell patrons jokes and cut jokes all day turned into this boring corporate lifeless drone…. I hate it.

I gotta find my passion again.

I don’t know how to get back to that dude I love, and everyone else loves. I feel like a boring husband too. I just work all day and I’m tired… I want to just chill out when I get home… I used to want to go out and do stuff… it’s like a real depression. Some nights I lay down and cry. Seriously… It sucks.

Maybe professional counseling is something to look into…

Or

Maybe I just need to get off that back wall and get into the scene.

Psalms 40:1-3 I waited patiently for the LORD; he inclined to me and heard my cry. He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog, and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure. He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God. Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the LORD.

No matter what, I know He’s got my back. I just wish he would show up and hand my smile back to me.
Man I love my family.
I know that seems random but seriously, I do. I love my wife, even though I drive her nuts… I’m basically a 12yr old… I leave stuff laying around, I have a gross dude bathroom with whiskers in the sink and a manure-esk aroma wafting and lingering about the house…. I don’t get to spend much time with my girls as I am gone a lot for work, and that really bums me out. I’m just the worker bee and I am providing for my family…
Blah…
It’s the funk… the allusive funk….
One other problem is that I’m nearing 30… Goodness… 30…
And I feel like I’ve done nothing, yet I’ve done more and been to more places than anyone I know… I mean come on, I’ve been to 48 states… before I was 19… I worked for Disney, went to Hawaii…. Met many famous people…. stuff that seems like a big deal, ya know? Yet I feel like such a tool sometimes. I’m nearly 30 and don’t have the biggest savings account in the world… I wish I had a better car… was in better shape physically, which I am working on and am a ton healthier than I used to be…
What a selfish, ungrateful little punk right?
These are my sins… honestly want some feedback on how to get out of that mentality…
I don’t like feeling like nothing is ever good enough… I’ve just been bitter with life for a few years. It’s probably some sort of aggression and repressed feelings from my fathers death… Woah. Right?
I automatically think, so where is my God, where is He, why am I not saved, and my burdens lifted… I don’t know, I think that I’m not doing something right, like I’m not giving it all to Him fully. Like I’ve got one foot on the alter and one foot off… I want to give God a little control but I’m afraid to give up 100%.
I just want to let go.
I mean I want to do His work for petes sake! Why am I afraid!? I want to teach others about His goodness and His life, and what He can do through others, but I don’t let Him have my life?!
What’s my deal…
The longer I wait, the longer I’ll wait….
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