Apparently… (it’s a play on words…because it’s about parenting… Aha…so…)

Posted: August 16, 2013 in Uncategorized

As I sit here and write even this morning at 9am, my daughter is on the couch, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, and screaming…

Screaming…

and

she keeps standing up on the couch and jumping…

over…

and

over…

again…

I’ve told her 3 times already to stop screaming, and jumping on the couch.

Hi, my names Jon, and I’m a parent. I sleep every other night. My wife and I trade nights of letting Pais sleep next to us in the Big bed, the big $200 f 

fsas

 saeeeeeeeeee\

 

Sorry, she just decided it would be awesome to jump on me while typing…

Where were we, yes. Our big expensive, amazingly comfy bed. I love that bed, better than the Marriott beds. The only thing wrong with that bed, is that I sleep on the edge of it… no joke. I am forced to the side of the bed by the closet, no room to turn or I’ll fall off, sleep on my left side all night edge. of. the. bed. Because this 2ft tall snoring child has taken over our bed.

She won’t sleep in her bed, in her room, in her awesome crib bed thing that we spent $300 on that converts into even a full size bed when she gets even older… BUT WE DON’T NEED IT! She’ll be in our bed! I’ll have a nice worn out spot on the floor and my wife will sleep on the couch… our backs will be broken, and I’ll have to use canes but guess what, our baby slept soundly… and that’s all that matters.

That’s just being a parent I guess.

Did you know there’s an entire other side to being a parent as well? It’s the unspoken side, the side we don’t dare exploit or bring up…

The subliminal parenting life.

It’s 10pm, night time for the Siron’s. I’m sitting on the couch watching Jimmy Kimmel while my wife is off in Pinterest land talking about chevron or some stupid fabric crap like that…. and then…. all of a sudden, it happens…

The babies crying…

full blown outright rage crying…

She wants her MiMi… a sippy cup of milk for you non-parents…

She’s freaking out… Big time….

BUT…

I’m content…

I’ve worked 10hrs today and I’m relaxing, my butt feels good on this couch and I’m happy…

Wife is content…

She’s been with that lil rager allllllllll day…she’s done… she’s just done…

We’ve both had enough…

Then sure as I’m here today out of the corner of my eye I watch my wife’s eyes pop over to mine and in slow motion she says those words…

“Daaaddddddddyyyyyy willllll geetttt itttttt……”

Whattt???!?! Me?!?!?! Whyyyyyyyyy!?!?

Are you serious?!

What is this?! What is this volunteering the other person for stuff, crap?!?!

It’s almost sickening…

Because it kinda makes you feel good to volunteer someone else for something… doesn’t it?…. you sick freak…. It’s terrible. And it starts the moment that kid is born too…

She needs a diaper (daddy will do it)

The living room needs to be cleaned (mommy will do it)

She won’t go to sleep (mommy will do it…)

Everyone with kids does it!

At least I hope… haha- Otherwise I must be a terrible parent..

 

My eyes are burning. My shoulder hurts from sleeping on it wrong, dangling off the side of the bed. I have to work until 10pm tonight too… then back at it for a long Saturday shift leading to one day off on Sunday… I’m exhausted… My wife hasn’t been sleeping regularly either… she’s up late into the night. I think it’s because she doesn’t get any alone time or adult time during the day with raising our baby girl…

Being a stay at home mom is hard.

I know from experience…

I did it once.

I did…

I remember the day…

That one fateful day when I, was, the stay at home mom.

She was nuts.

She jumped on the bed…

I chased her into the other rooms of the house…

She kept bringing toys into the living room…

I’d say no…

No…

Noooo….

She wanted a Popsicle… 

and another…

and another….

She pooped…

Over…

and over…

I had enough… I was breaking down…

I called out to my wife… Because she hadn’t even left yet, she was just getting ready in the other room…

I said “Are you sure…”

She grinned  and nodded yes…

That I-hope-you-feel-my-pain grin that only moms and wives can do…

I knew I was in for it…

 

She wants a drink…hang on…

Dads aren’t made for watching after kids…

for long periods of time anyway…

We can’t handle it… We can’t find enough stuff to do at the house to keep us content for the entire day of keeping this kid alive… So what do we do?

We’ve found out kids are easy if you take them somewhere… go to a park, go to ToysRus, the mall, whatever we can do to get out of the house… the pool… Lowes… whatever we kinda want to go to, we adapt and take that kid on a daddy day out…

It’s genius… for one, the kid always falls asleep in the car… even when your jamming out to Metallica… You can roll the windows down and not get yelled at because your wives hair is getting “all messed up”… Go awesome places you day dreamed about at work, like Guitar Center… jam out and pray that kid doesn’t knock over a $1200 Taylor…

We improvise.

Guys are easy. We’re simple creatures.

It’s so hard to keep a train of thoughts running here… she keeps wanting me to change from Super Why to Mickey on Netflix… anyway…

Is your kid throwing fits?

Ours does… terrible twos they call it… the only age at which it’s socially acceptable to be quote “Terrible”. You can’t be a terrible 30yr old, throwing fits and crying… it just doesn’t work like that… maybe the terrible 82’s… well see when  I get there.

But she is throwing a fit for everything… basically any time you say the word “No” by the time you start pronouncing the N she’s down on the ground in a heap like she just found out Elmo was murdered by Wyatt from Super Why… which is a kinda jacked up thought but let’s go with it…

I wonder what color Elmo bleeds?

Anyway… It’s certainly terrible… Oh you know where it’s the worst most embarrassing at?

Church…

We’re in the pew, all dressed up, mom has brought an entire bag of fun for her to dabble in during the service, from crayons, to stickers to her electronic Ipad-like toy… She’s set with all the materials to keep her quiet….we always make it through the worship time of singing… that’s easy… but then the preaching starts…oh man, I can barely pay attention because I’m so nervous she’s going to pop off a “Heeeeeyyyyyyy” or “Miiinnneeeeee” or “Noooooooo” followed by tears and screaming. It’s terrible… for me! I’m a nervous wreck the entire time.

Then it happens…

She tries to touch a person in the pew in front of us…

and you say “No…”

CONSTANTLY apologizing to everyone around you….

Then she’s had it…

a “Woaaah!”

or a screaming “Nooooo!” followed by tears… screaming echoing through the sanctuary tears… oh I hate those… then I try to stand up and pray my butts not hanging out of the back of my pants mooning everyone on my way out to the nursery room with my demonic daughter…

 

She wants Cheerios,….. brb.

 

But there’s one place worse for a terrible two’s break down…

Wal-Mart.

Oh Wal-Mart.

Especially when I’m alone with her… no matter what, no, matter, what… If she is crying in the cart and throwing a fit because we left the big ball pit by the toy section and went to continue grocery shopping…

People look at me like I’ve just abducted this poor child and she’s screaming for her mother…

Oh it’s the most frustrating feeling on earth…

First off, I never get dressed up to go to Wal-Mart, I mean come on who does? I’m in my hoodie and gym shorts, grass stained flip flops and backwards dirty Royals hat… I’m comfy… I haven’t shaved…it’s my day off… I don’t care… So clearly people think I’m some pedophile that’s just stolen this kid and is taking her home to live as my caged animal for the next 30 years…

Oh the looks I’ve gotten from people… older women especially. It’s embarrassing. I guarantee if I was wearing a suit, I’d still get the looks.

 

Have you watched every episode of the kids favorite show on Netflix yet, too?

My wife can sing every song from every episode of barney, super why and the mickey mouse clubhouse…

 

No joke…….she just knocked over her bowl of Cheerios…

Sigh…..

I gotta go…

 

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