Archive for April, 2014

Sidewalk Chalk Belly Buttons

Posted: April 24, 2014 in Uncategorized

Last night my daughter wanted to draw with chalk on the driveway.

 

At 10:30pm…

 

So,

 

@10:34pm, we drew on the driveway with sidewalk chalk.

 

One of my favorite feelings as a kid was when someone would use sidewalk chalk to trace my body on the ground… I say feeling, because it was that time of the unknown, the element of surprise that as soon as I stood up, I’d be delighted to see myself temporarily drawn on the ground…. so, naturally, I wanted to pass down the feeling.

As I traced her little legs, then torso, tickled her arm pits as the blue chalk passed by, I felt like this is what life, is…

just…

this…

When she stood up, she announced, “Ok daddy now give me hair… now lipstick…now paint my nails….and ok now a Belly button.

There’s a sidewalk chalk etching of a little girl complete with hair, fingernails, and belly button…. all on my driveway right now, and I love it.

There was this moment after we drew that belly button clad driveway girl, where I picked her up, held her in my arms and we looked at all the bright lights…stars… in the sky. I wanted to say something meaningful and deep but I just didn’t have the words. My inner thought was, she’s young, she won’t understand. She just won’t get it… so, I just whispered in her ear, as I do daily… “I love you…”

Most days anymore I just exist.

I just do life and go through the motions.

I go to work, I come home.

I lack hobbies. If watching season after season of Dexter or White Collar on Netflix is a hobby, I guess that’s something…

For a long time now I’ve noted that I’ve lost my passion for the things I used to cling to, to the things that defined me, to the inner most part of my existence. Every single time I motivate myself to get moving, to ignite the fire again, to dig down deep and whatever other cliché motivational sayings we want to spit off here… it never happens.

I’m pretty deep in it and I can’t seem to shake it.

I lack friendship as well.

Sure, I still randomly text some of my best friends of old, but I honestly haven’t just gone and hung out with someone who I consider a friend or pal or bro… in a long time. I know that as you get older that you just get busier and life happens and we have work and families and domestic things to do involving the latter…

I hang out with my wife all the time… which is fine, but I’m sure I drive her nuts…I mean shoot. she even has friends who she goes and does things with, they have husbands and they’re fine guys but it’s a forced relationship… guys don’t like to be forced into a bromance.

We want to discover a bro on our own.

Guys get, well, for lack of better word… guys get crushes on other guys…

No we don’t want to cuddle them, we want to be around them, for whatever reason.. something seen within them sparks interest…

It’s weird now getting older and being forced into maturity, back in the day I could just make a fart joke or funny comment towards a dude I wanted to be friends with and that’d be it, we be bros from then on out…

Now there’s so much to it… so many factors of if they’d be a good bro.

What kind of car do you drive? A sports car means they live way too fast for a dude-dad-husband like me… A truck means they are too rowdy… economical two door, well that might be ok… but you might also be a nerd… which I am not in to-

Motorcycle, no way… forget about it my wife already hates you.

But a nice 4 door car, or an SUV for instance….that…. now that might be the ticket to my backyard bbq’s.

Are you single? Girlfriend? Wife?

Single, might work out, usually doesn’t, I’m just too busy for you and we have absolutely nothing to relate about…

Girlfriend, now we’re talking… but you being all cuddly and kissy kissy with her at the BBQ is just plain annoying…

Married folk don’t roll like that.

Married, there, now some common ground, something we can work with… but… how old are you… seriously. Married at 24, is way different than married at 30.

Also, any kids? That’s a big one… I don’t have anything else to talk to you about besides the kids and how we can relate on the fact that we don’t sleep, were constantly cleaning, and we never get to go golfing…

Big the biggest issue in finding a friend….

Does my wife like you?

I’m not just browsing the Bronet for me… If you want to hang out with me, you have to hang out with my wife… it’s a package deal. If she’s not happy… no one’s happy.

Happy wife happy life.

If she thinks you are taking me fishing for the day…then we better darn well be fishing. Because if she didn’t follow us here, then she is probably tracking my phone via gps.

I don’t get to pull the same lies that I used to with my parents “where were you….” “Oh just played video games all night at Nicks…..”

She’s not stupid…

I am.

And if you have a wife, please, for the love of God, please let them like each other!! If we are bro’s, and our wives don’t get along because my wife thinks yours is crazy or hates her style, or laugh or the way she eats hummus…. then it’s over for us… she’s already judged you on your entire life because of the lady you chose to marry. Now, now it’s over for us….

So what’s a guy to do knowing all of this…

He just gives up.

It’s over for me, I shall have no one… I’ll be a grumpy old lonely man who yells at the squirrels on the bird feeder… birds are safe friends. Except for the fact that my wife hates birds…. and nearly every animal on the planet for that matter… sigh.

I convince myself that I’ll be ok and I go on my way, work, home, work, home. repeat.

I know someone cares about me, I’m not all sad that I don’t have someone in my life, it’s not that deep, but still there is this gaping hole in my life where I just need something, anything to fill this void…

There are times when we don’t understand what’s happening, times when we just want an answer, and there is nothing. Where overwhelming silence is all that is heard in a vast hollow distance. That boulder we carry, that chip on our shoulder that void we share, for some will always be there. In this life, I hear it’s not what we do that matters but who we are… I just want to be a guy who gave life a good shot, was a loyal, stupid at times husband, and one heck of a father.

I look out into that sky, at all the shiny lights, and I feel God saying back to me…

There was this moment after you drew that belly button clad driveway girl, where I wanted to pick you up, hold you in my arms and as we looked at all the bright lights…stars… in the sky. I wanted to say something meaningful and deep but I just didn’t have the words. My inner thought was, he’s young, he won’t understand. He just won’t get it… so, I just whispered in his ear, as I do daily… “I love you…”

 

 

 

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